This is a
Little bit out of order. But it is so significant.
Today, God helped me to voice some deep resentment that I have towards Him. I am so tired of this waiting. “Tired” really doesn’t describe it. The anger, the resentment, though, does describe it.
What surfaced was “Either help me or get the **** out of the way.” What the Lord then showed me was how far back this went. I had heard the gospel of a very powerful God, who did things a long time ago, in a place far, far away. I had just a little bit of hope, and experience, that He still did some of those things here, and now.
He was a God of reconciliation, so he could reconcile my ex-wife and I. He was a God who restored years (Joel 2:25), so he could restore me from all the past hurts, neglect, and torture. He could do the same for my wife. He could make a way where there is no way (Isa 49:15-16, Eph 3:20, Rom 4:17, Isa 43:19, Gen 22:9-14 ), to be a good single-parent. He could honor me, and respect me for how hard I tried and tried again, even when I didn’t succeed. He could notice me in my need. He could protect me and deliver me.
With the last sentence, I don’t know how many times he has protected and delivered me, and I was unawares. I know that there is a lot of hurt from a lot of times where we connected and he knew how much protection or deliverance would mean to me, but he did not do it in a way that I could recognize.
So I am angry. And He is sovereign. And my twisted image of Him is that He is sitting back with his arms folded waiting for me to handle this anger on my own. And that only makes me angrier, because I have tried that, and tried again.
I got to the point, where my life didn’t matter to me anymore. I didn’t care what the enemy did to me, because someday it would be over, and I would be with Him. That must pissed the enemy off, or else he did the standard thing that he does when people stop caring what he does. And that is, that he started to attack my loved ones, with the most brutal attacks on my son. And He knew how much protection or deliverance of my son would mean to me, but He did not do it in a way that I could recognize. He just allowed the pain of watching him suffer ( I know that Bill Johnson would disagree, based on what I have listened to in his audiobook “God is Good”, but that is between him and God. I want to judge him so badly, but that is just because I fear for the people who will lose hope because of his shallow interpretation of scripture and of God.)
I stopped telling people fully, about His dealings with us because I figured it must just be us for some reason. That he really was a good God to His servants, just not me, and those whom I love. I was afraid that they would be afraid. What if they happen to end up in the same bucket as us?
I can hear some religious jerk saying “you are wallowing in self-pity”. Well, you can take your judgement and put it where the sun don’t shine. What you say is true, but not helpful. And misses the mark, so you are guilty of sinning too. You are not following Galatians 6:1 by stating the obvious, and not aiming at restoration. But then again, neither am I. But I am on the brink of not caring any more.
This is what a sick heart sounds like (Prov 13:12). I can’t say how long hope has been deferred. Stripped from my life. I have far too many of Job’s friends, who seem to sit back in comfy armchairs and analyze every single thing that I do wrong. Why does God have Job pray for his friends? (Job 42:8) What did Job pray? I can tell you that for some of my “Job” friends, He hasn’t asked me to pray for them yet because I would probably pray that He would allow half of what has happened to me to happen to them, and they would ruin their “big boy” pants.
Yeah, I am really angry, and that is covering …
Yeah, I knew that too, and it didn’t seem to help. I am afraid that He will really leave me twisting in the wind because I got angry with Him. In my head, I know that He is not that way. But, too much western institutional church background, has me believing that He really is that nasty, and vindictive when my faith fails.
Where is Jesus’ cross? Has that act of love cast out my fear of retribution by God? Not yet.
What about the sin in my attitude? My lack of faith? Wasn’t that taken care of at Jesus’ cross?
So, what if He gives us a home? How can I even think that? Well, that, my friend, are the seeds of hope. Hope that He will love me out of the fear, through Jesus’ cross, into Jesus’ resurrection, and into His glorious love and generosity. It is knowing, again in my head, that The Father is saying to Jesus “Jim doesn’t know the real Me yet. He has only caught glimpses. And he has My word that I would make his life like a sunset, and My word does not return to Me empty.” (Isa 55:11)
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