He wants my heart

Several years ago, I was in the balcony of the church where I fellowshipped. Over the course of the service, or possibly in the time of community prayer, I discerned that prayer was needed because evil was resisting the progress of God’s kingdom in a particular area.

I had been involved in prayers and spiritual warfare for a lot of things over a lot of years. I had experienced the hatred that Jesus spoke of in John 15. I had also experienced the friendship with Him, also in John 15. And I had experienced the loving care of the Holy Spirit, also promised in John 15 and 16. At the time, I was in a place where psychologists remind us to H A L T – hurt, angry, lonely, tired. The last thing that I wanted to do was to pray for the advancing of His kingdom, and share in the resistance that the evil one would throw at me.

But I agreed, knowing that he had shown this to me, for a reason. I said to Him, “You have my swords.” (Referring to the sword of His ‘logos’ word, and the sword of His “rhema’ word).

Jesus responded “I don’t want your swords. I want your heart.”

I thought that I had given my heart to His, and was discouraged when I found out that I hadn’t. So I asked Holy Spirit to show me what He meant. What more did I need to do.

A few days or weeks ago, He showed me that He didn’t want my heart, in the sense of that He wanted some action from me. He was just affirming that His desire was for my heart.

In explaining this to some friends, yesterday, I was trying to use intonation to show the difference in emphasis, and meaning. I failed.

Then I switched to an analogy within marriage, union. The two men that I was speaking to were both married. One of them, seem to be at a place, like I was, of interpreting His desire for my heart, as a desire for voluntary action on my part. So I simply said “What would you mean if you said to your wives ‘I want your heart’, or “I love your heart'”. They understood it better, and so did I.

I am not married, though I was 20+ years ago. When I gave my wife my heart, it wasn’t an action. It didn’t seem voluntary. I just did it, because it felt like I was created to do that.

When she realized that she no longer loved me, and wanted a life apart from me, I could not “ungive” my heart to her. I did not ungive me heart to her, because I also had hope that somehow Jesus would work forgiveness and restoration between us.

Even when she remarried, I didn’t know how to ungive my heart to her, because, I sensed that was something that I could only ask the Lord to help with, because my love for her was a gift.

The Lord has done that work. Though I can’t say when or how.

Then I saw the parallel, in combination of the literal meaning of Jesus’ name. God is salvation. (1 John 4:19 also says that we love, because He first loved us.) So, my giving my heart to Jesus, is an outworking of His giving His heart to me. He gives me the gift of being able to give my heart to Him, simply in response to Him loving me, and being in a place where He values my heart.

What more did I need to do? Nothing. Just let His love do its work.