This is pretty unformed. I was going to start this post with “It is going a lot of thought, and a lot of time to sort this out.”
But, I can feel Holy Spirit in this. I have left one place, and if I have arrived in the new place, I don’t recognize it.
I was driving home tonight, and I needed to make a decision, and really, I thought I was good with either one. What I did was say to the Lord “You pick”.
Suddenly, I felt the distance that I had put between myself and the Lord. That is true, but keep reading. I have outgrown that response. It no longer serves me. It is now harming my relationship with The Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.
When I was a new Christian, I wanted my own way, a lot. In fact, it was 7 years between when I asked Jesus to be my Savior, and when I asked Him to be my Lord.
The Lord took me to choice after choice, and Holy Spirit shouted, then spoke, then whispered to my spirit, so that I would know Him, and who He created me to be.
He will always be my Lord. Always.
But, like with His other disciples, He desires for us to be friends. I can’t really be friends, unless I know Him, and I know myself.
So, after I learned to listen, He started to speak to me. And heal me. He has brought much healing through many ways, very creative ways, and some just downright unfathomable.
I still need healing for my voice, my agency, my desires. The Lord brought the word “agency” to a wise and discerning friend when we were praying a week or more ago. Much was done in that time. Today, I was back just automatically saying “You pick”, while God waited for me. He wanted to know what was in my heart. I understood that He felt like I had given Him a shove. “Go ahead God, be mighty, and powerful and wise. I am just …” Even now, He reads my heart, and He shows me that He is. My eyes are tearing up, literally. The “…” really is “stupid sh*t” or “dumb f*ck”. I call myself that a lot. And He weeps.
I don’t know how it happened, but I don’t value, and I don’t protect myself anymore. To borrow a phrase from Brene Brown, who borrowed it from an angry man, I have had the emotional shit beat out of me so many times that I don’t care any more.
I know that it is a defiant courage, but that defiant courage is marred by resignation.
He created me for courage. And I have been courageous. I have gone to the shit kicking fights just because I don’t want the littler ones to suffer. I have gone willingly.
And then the Lord reminded me of a song, that often brings tears to my eyes, by Kerrie Roberts “The Middle of it All”
I have to paraphrase something for you, lest you think that I am somewhat of a fearless Rambo type of courageous.
Booker T Washington said ““Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.”
My courage is like that. I am scared of so much. I ask God so much for God to love me out of my fear (1 Jn 4:18)
I have so many scars on my heart.
I think that I am letting my heart die.
What God showed me tonight is that I still have a choice. I can make choices. Discover who He has created me to be. I will come when my heart hears His call. He put that in me too, and has developed my responsiveness. There are times when it is real for high stakes. And really, I need to ask Him to take things for me. He already has taken the most that He could possibly take.
So, there are lots of little decisions for life that I can talk to Him about, draw closer to Him in, that won’t matter in the end, but our time together will matter.