I struggled with the title, but then realized that I have probably experienced the feelings and thoughts of a lot of us. And, at present, I am not settled.
The Lord really seemed to put the world on my heart for the last few days, regarding the coronavirus. First, I had a sense that this is not a scare, this will be the real thing. What that thing is, I don’t know. I have gotten some things.
The first seemed to be Ps 91:10 ” no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home.” (NLT)
That would have been more comforting, except that in the past when I was going through the separations and the divorce, I asked God if He was going to come through on that, or if they were just words.
He seems to have different definitions than I do of that verse. In spite of all the fears, and doubt, and heartache, He has helped me grow.
I like the NLT, because it starts with “no evil will conquer you”, conquer doesn’t mean smooth sailing, or grab a drink with a tiny umbrella, and kick-back in my favorite easy chair. And, honestly, I can’t say that my life, with as much suffering as it has had might not be closer to grabbing a drink with a tiny umbrella, and kick-back in my favorite easy chair. You see, prior to the separations, and divorce, and single parenting, and bankruptcy, I thought that my life was hard. And it was. I just didn’t know how much I could suffer, and not die. Now I know that I have no idea how much I can suffer and not die.
I am afraid.
My other problem is that I don’t know if I am numb, or that I just didn’t notice when Jesus authored some more faith in me.
I know some of the spectrum of what the Lord can use lovingly, and wisely. I know a little of how much He has and will suffer for me. I believe that I am lukewarm toward Him, as in Rev 3:16 lukewarm. He can heal coronavirus as easily as He can heal cancer, Lyme disease, infertility, spinal cord injuries, back injuries, sleep disorders, traumatic brain injuries, personality disorders, childhood neglect, childhood sexual abuse, domestic abuse, et cetera. I know people with these circumstances and more. And I have prayed for these people, but not face to face, and not in faith.
I betray my Lord that way, and fail to love His children, sometimes condemning them to suffer. I know better.
I also know that sometimes, my heart wants healing for someone, but it is not yet His timing. Then I feel like such a fool. And I intensely feel the pain of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. And I hate doing that to someone who is vulnerable, and daring to hope.
I know what some of you are thinking. Coronavirus. Death toll passes 200 in China alone. Big picture, guy.
Yeah, I have been there too.
But “big picture” is what you look at if you are trying to solve a problem. And I don’t think that there is any solving this. But, then again, God doesn’t have problems. Nothing is a problem to Him. He only sees people. Individuals, with their whole life history. And He never leaves us. Even when we walk with Him through the valley of the shadow of death. Even when it is more than a shadow.
I know a little about how things interconnect. And I know about human nature, at least some of my human nature. When the 1918 flu pandemic. We were less specialized. There were more farmers, more root cellars, more wells, more “primitive” sanitation, fewer people, less sophisticated medicine to delay the inevitable, and stratify classes.
I will be sorely tempted to “pull out all the stops” with doing what I can to survive …. without God’s intervention. I will feel my selfishness, and my desire to survive at the expense of another.
I feel that God will reveal Himself, and reveal us to ourselves in the coming days, weeks, and months.
May He pour out His mercy. And may His word be true, and His love never fail, not for a single person. I ask this in the name of Jesus.
Jesus Day by Day 