Small(ish) thought- accepting small understandings

Today I visited my dental hygienist for a teeth cleaning. When she was done spraying and vacuuming my mouth, she said “Mmmm”. I closed my lips around the tiny vacuum nozzle, and the Lord tapped me on the shoulder. A small attunement. It was a gift. In fact, it was His gift.

Some of this surrounds where I am, and where I have been. Where I have been is going through life with a really high IQ, and a really, really good memory, and a thirst for understanding (of how things work) coupled with a significant fear of not understanding (how things work). I was married for 10 years, and have been single again for 21. And, I am quite lonely.

Also, as a child I was neglected by parents who had other things that they knew they needed to do, and I was youngest.

As I have sought to grow, and become desirable to a spouse, I have gone to various Christian workshops, conferences, and events. One of them was on dealing with trauma through “story”, i.e. telling my story, and having others listen, and vice versa. As the instructor, Dr. Dan Allender, was teaching, and after someone asked a question about something, I realized that though I had trauma, my greater need was to heal from neglect.

So I asked him. If trauma is like a blow to the head with a blunt instrument, and story works for that, inviting Jesus in, then what works for the “death by a thousand cuts” of neglect. He launched into a brief overview of Attachment Theory, and the concepts of Attunement, Containment, and “Repairing the Breach”. I left somewhat encouraged, though still without an answer.

Since then, as I have talked and prayed with therapists and friends about finding a companion and spouse, I have realized that there are some things that are just harder to attune with. I have done graduate work in 5 fields, for interest, not degrees. And read extensively. And I put things together very quickly. So I am looking for the mother of all attunements, so to speak, union in marriage.

What Jesus showed me today was that I was missing the small attunement gifts that He was scattering around. Thank You, Jesus!

(Zech 4:10 – do not despise small beginnings )