I often mean to journal here about my day. But I keep another journal. A leather bound covered one (with journal inserts) that I use to journal my heart to God, and with a pen with a different color ink, I record what He says back to me, Today, I may cross the streams (like in the original Ghostbusters), and see what God does.
At the heart of things is Ann Voskamp’s book, The Way of Abundance: A 60-Day Journey into a Deeply Meaningful Life. I had bought it a couple of years ago, and had read and or listened to a lot of it. But not all of it. As I was getting up, slowly, this morning, wanting to spend time with God, not wanting so much to go to church, I saw the book, that I had fished out from under my bed when I was moving the bed. It was dusty, but I knew that it was part of His plan for today. So I opened to where the ribbon was.
And I read the first four daily reflections in the section “How Can the Brokenhearted Release Control?”
I want to analyze this. I want to have my part. I have a part. But it is not the lead. That is Yours. I struggle to know where to start. Then you remind me. Duct tape.
Ann asks the reflection question
“How are you taking all brokenhearted frustrations with people and letting them break you open to grow abundant change? How are your channeling negativity into creativity? How is your life bearing pundit fruit – and where are you duct-taping on fruit to impress others?”
I go right to the duct-taping? I want to be seen. I want to be noticed. And, yet I am also afraid of being seen and noticed. There is that woman, You know the one, who came up along side me and engaged me in conversation, for no reason. I think that I have kept myself pretty well hidden. Maybe I haven’t. But there was no pressure. Just sharing life. Struggles with cooking. It felt so good.
But it also felt like a dream that can never be. It is normal life. But I am not normal. I have gifts, talents, You might say. But I hide my talent. Not all my talents. I don’t hide the generous heart that You have given me. But that gets me seen. And I don’t have enough for people to use me with it.
Still, I try to control the heartbreak that has come from the times that I thought that someone was interested in me for me. Mess ups and all.
And, I know that You do, otherwise You wouldn’t have given me that vision of being “Your mess”, and smiling at my owning it.
But there is a longing to be with someone that I don’t have to be perfect with. Someone that I don’t have to be guarded against. Someone who wants to join me and help.
I don’t want duct-taped on fruit. I bear fruit. I give people hope. I listen. I give them your wisdom.
I really need You to say something.
You don’t have to go this alone. I don’t see you as a failure.
I have given you a lot of time alone, and you have sought Me. You need to give to Me your fear of kindness. You need kindness for the repentance that you don’t fully understand yet, and yet, it will become a major portion of your life. It is the way of saints.
You need to let me love you out of that fear of kindness (Mine and hers). I have kindness for you to receive. And I have My kindness for you to give.
Walk by faith in the love, and goodness, and gentleness, and mercy, and truth, and understanding, and patience, that you know Me to have. You are my son. I hold your heart in my hands. I allow it to be broken, but only when it is very, very needed. And I stand there ready to bind it up. Let down your guard, Jim