Some of you may be familiar with the trials that singer/songwriter Laura Story and her husband Martin have been through. And how after Martin’s diagnosis and the beginning of treatment, she was expressing her hopes of returning to a normal life, and getting off of the detour that they were on. Her sister suggested that maybe she was on the road with God, and not on a detour. Some of that account is here.
My road toward Identity Exchange Catalyst is somewhat the same. I should probably say that I am aware than my road towards Catalyst is just a part of a larger road.
The larger road is challenging. And like Laura Story, I had hoped for something, kinda, somewhat normal. I was looking forward to retirement. And the in-person meeting for Catalyst was just before my official retirement date of 10/1. So, I signed up, thinking that I could do some of what Jaime and Donna talk about (facilitating people asking God about their identity) in my local church and local community in central Wisconsin. It was my retirement gift to me. Within a couple of weeks, I had my first UTI.
That really knocked me for a loop. I am in my early 70s. I had occasional atrial fibrillation up to that point, which only happened once or twice a month, and was generally well managed by avoiding caffeine and staying hydrated. I could feel the change in my chest, so I would take it easy when an episode came. Then came the UTI. I went to the ER, as that level of burning and pain definitely indicated that something was wrong. But, over the next few days, until the antibiotics kicked in, I was being awakened 8-10 times per night, for an urgent, and painful void. And after the first few, I would awaken, and be overtaken by terror of the pain that was coming. So that was stressful. And that stimulated the atrial fibrillation to the point that I couldn’t even tell when I was in it, and if I was ever out of it.
The good news in this time was early in this time of affliction, Jesus came to me. I may have prayed the helpless crying of “help”, that was more pain than faith. But, I knew that He came because He cared, and He came in a way that I didn’t understand. I have learned to know His voice. He usually speaks to me in words, in my mind. I know that they are not my thoughts. And although I don’t believe them to be audible, they have a recognizable quality. The words that came were simple, very simple. Things that I could grasp even in the middle of pain. “Relax”, “I am with you”, “I am not going anywhere”, “You are going to be OK”, “Trust Me”, “We will get through this together”. It was so good, that exhasted as I was, I asked if I should get up and journal about the experience. I didn’t want to lose it. Jesus responded that He was doing an “indelible” relational work, and my logical left-brain wouldn’t be able to understand it, and translating to words through the verbal center would only be sort of a rough sketch.
They tried medications. They knew that I had been diagnosed with an enlarged prostate years back, and medications hadn’t worked well then, so they were just waiting until things got worse and surgery was needed. I saw a specialist, and the symptoms all pointed that way, in the extreme. But, they tried medications anyway. I got a 2nd UTI, and ended up with a catheter. It took a month and a half to schedule the ultrasound that mapped out the size and configuration of the prostate. And for any women reading this, catheters in men are a whole different experience. The real medical articles will use the euphemism “discomfort” for what men experience. The PA just told me when I got the catheter, that most men can’t tolerate it. Go to Reddit or something similar to find out just how intolerable it it. The Lord had mercy on me there too, as He showed me how to rig something that would reduce the pain by 90% to probably the level of about a 3 on the 10 point scale.
After the ultrasound, it was another month to see the surgeon, and 6 weeks until the surgeon’s schedule and the operating room schedule lined up. That was a little over a week ago. I had felt the weakness associated with atrial fibrillation, and a pre-surgery EKG showed it. But I really didn’t have symptoms that were more alarming, like chest pain or shortness of breath. But, as they started the surgery, the flutter of the atrial fibrillation increased, and so they stopped the surgery, and now I have to get an echocardiogram and get cleared by cardiology, before they will try to finish the surgery.
So, this, along with still working full time, is putting a sizable dent in the normal study practices of the Becoming What You Believe course. Fortunately, God has been working in the area for quite some time, which my one on one identity coach has affirmed. So this might just be a custom path for whom the Lord’s pet name is “Limited Edition”, and which Jesus expnded on a recent Becoming What You Believe group call to “Limited Edition – carefully crafted, and specialized”.
It is worth a tangent on how “Limited Edition” came to be. But, it is important in the main context of what this “not a detour” identity is all about. I really came to write about when the Lord said to me recently (several months ago), “You are a ‘2’ “. I knew what He meant. He was referring to the parable of the talents. He did follow that statement with “enter into the joy of your Master”. But, being a ‘2’ was a shock to me. In fact, He did also say that I was wearing myself out trying to keep of with those given 5 talents, when I only had 2. The reason that being a 2 was a shock was that among the things the world values, I have always enjoyed being a 5. I had a near or low genius IQ, a memory in the 99th percentile, a natural view of things from a systems thinking perspective, and courage. Though that caused me problems socially growing up, I was a desirable employee who would tackle any problem, and solve a good number of them. To complete the picture, I was also very arrogant. I tried to substitute attention and achievement for love.
When I became a follower of Jesus, some things seemed to follow me which gave me reasons to believe that I also was excelling as a follower. The memory in the 99th percentile did make memorizing scripture easier, and remembering testimonies of saint also easier. And the courage “talent” led me to take risks that God just was thankful that I took. I was not necessarily the best for the job, but I used the courage given to me.
So, I am glad that I am a ‘2’. I don’t know what that means, other than relationally, it gave me peace. And I can go back to that when I need peace. [There are the memories of Jesus coming during the UTIs that also bring me His peace as well.] I feel that being a ‘2’ still needs some completion, as I am not sure that I know what entering into His joy means. But, I sense that it will be more of an experience or memory, than something that translates fully into words.
I am respected in the church where I fellowship for my gift of discernment. Again, it is a gift. And I try to practice it when needed. I have been trained in being a dad, a single dad actually, and so I have a strong protective streak. So, I try to scout out people with “names” in the Christian community, and discern what they do. I am not a “heresy hunter”. I just will give people who may be blindly following someone with a reputation, the encouragement to walk circumspectly with regards to somethings that might stem from brokenness or immaturity in the life of a person with a reputation. I don’t have a reputation, and I don’t desire to have one. Initially, the 3 blogs that I write were designed to conceal my identity, and I set up WordPress so that I could invite other contributors in to further shield me from attribution. But no one has joined me in 5 years or so, so I gave up.
One other thing that most people don’t think of is that courage is a special gift that works against judgement. There are a lot of times that I will give alternative explanations, or suggest places to look when people are trying to develop their own discernment. Judgment often has the effect of pushing people away. And often we want to push people away when we are afraid of them. When we are secure in God, we don’t need to be afraid. When we ask for His heart for others, we often end up loving them. It doesn’t mean that we make excuses for mistakes. But often the Lord counsels us to wait with Him, as He waits for someone to discover better ways themselves.
So today, the understanding of being a ‘2’ was broadened some. I was watching “The Deep End with Taylor Welch” channel on YouTube. He had a guest on that was challenging ways that I was thinking, and Taylor was doing a great job of interviewing and being vulnerable with how The Lord led him out into some new areas of growth. After watching this episode, the Lord said “I already have a 5 operating here.” It is true. Taylor Welch was doing what I would do one on one, and what I had thought about doing more of (through blogging), when I retire. So, I can be at peace being a ‘2’. And I can be grateful for people who are making 5 more talents with God’s existing gifts.
Jesus Day by Day 