I am not really hoping for one simple thing, like “picker of locks”. As Dr. Dan Allender’s wife Becky reportedly said “You’ve never had a normal life. Why start now?”” as Dr Allender evaluated his job options of a faculty job at Wheaton College which came with a higher salary, an established reputation, and security, or taking the presidency of The Seattle School which meant stepping into an underfunded, unaccredited, and highly volatile start-up school. I feel somewhat the same. In fact the personal identity that the Lord has revealed is a specially crafted, limited edition, who He refers to as “My love”. The “limited edition” part came from my complaining to Him about not having a normal life. He told me that He preferred “limited edition” to “weird”.
So, the external identity is also undergoing some rennovations, or expansion. It definately includes being “profoundly ignorant”, but that isn’t the only thing that He has said that I am.
One time on the way to the dumpster at my apartment complex, He said that I was valiant. I didn’t know what to do with that. Later, He followed up with telling me that He had given me the heart of a lion. And, one time in an ice breaker, we were asked to describe ourselves in one or 2 words, and I asked Him for help, and He said “Reluctant Adventurer”. The last time that He addressed The gift of courage that he had given me was when I was tested post concussion and I found that my scores were lower in memory and IQ. The Lord made the comment to me that they couldn’t even test the ability that was most out of the normal range – courage.
It is easy to get the impression that maybe I do things like climbing Mount Everest in basketball attire, or circumnavigating the globe on water skis. But that is not where He has my courage operate. In many minorly risky things, I can’t seemed to exercise courage at all, e.g. I still can’t swim in deeper than a normal pool. But when it comes to speaking up, He has put me in places to be vulnerable, and trust that He will cover my vulnerability.
But, the thing that I never shared with anyone for about 10 years was that one time He said “Jim, it is because you are faithful and true.” He broke into my thoughts where I was shaming myself for not paying attention to some legal details. But I recognized “faithful and true”, And frankly I was scared of it. How could he possibly apply his own name to me. The second reason that I was scared of it was because as I have confessed, I was really arrogant about my giftings when I was younger. I was concerned that my arrogance would be reignited. When I finally admitted it to someone in the Catalyst group at the Identity Exchange, The Lord basically said “You’ve wanted people to see Me in you” This is part of my answering your prayer. Some of the good work that I have begun in you is being faithful and true, just like Me. You can just be grateful that I have accomplished a lot in this area.
So as I wrote this, I said to the Lord, that I have not gotten to an “action” type of identity yet. I don’t have to. I am so glad that Jen Becker of Identity Exchange has “vestibule” as an identity. And Jaime Wiship tells the story of the woman who was “the Lord’s criminal.”
But, the Lord reminded me of a time where His tenderness came in a person. It was when my son was only 2, but my marriage was on the rocks. And somehow, geography, zip codes, and Christian retreat center density around Conneticut, combined with the Lord’s plan caused me to go to a men’s retreat near Albany, NY where Gordon Dalbey (author of Healing the Masculine Soul, and about 9 other books), was speaking. I got there and there were about 90 guys there. The first night was good, and I asked if I could get some one on one time with Gordon Dalbey. Gordon politely declined being able to do anything at the retreat.
The next morning, there was a prayer time before breakfast, and I went. The men there were filled with desire to be godly men, and were gung-ho. As prayer hopped around the room, I recognized some to the same desires that they had, I had also had. But, I had tried to get to godliness on my own. And wherever I did that I failed, and often people got hurt, or at least disillusioned. So, I knew that the only way to godliness was by complete dependence on Jesus. So, I prayed it. Out loud. I validated the desires. And I testified to my failures from trying to do it in my own strength. And I pointed to Him, and His choice to shift me focus from godliness for Him to godliness with Him.
The bell then rang for breakfast. I got up, and filed out with the rest of the men. I heard someone running behind me, and then felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and was face to face with Gordon Dalbey. He said “Do you know what you did in there?” I responded with “I have a pretty good idea”. He then said that he sensed a strong sense of the operation of a religious spirit at the kickoff meeting the evening before, and had prayed for the Lord’s deliverance of the men at the retreat from the influence of the religious spirit. He said that I was the answer to his prayer. That when I prayed there was a boom and the spirit was gone, and he knew the Lord had cleared the way for the men for the rest of the retreat. Then he got tears in his eyes, and he said “But it has come at a high cost, hasn’t it?”
That was a time that I knew that I was seen by the Lord. I knew that He had used it to show me that He was watching. He saw the pain.
So, all of this is to say that as a dad, in today’s culture, it is far too easy to replace actions with words. But our children are smart. They look at what we do. So, my prayers are along the lines of “Lord, may I lead by example”. And I know that is something that I can only do with Him. Complete dependence on Him and His finished work is needed.
So maybe I am “a faithful and true, kind, courageous, profoundly ignorant man who leads by example where The Father is working, through Jesus who is one with me” Accurate, but a “normal” identity would be a lot shorter.
