My third time with Identity Exchange coach Chris Hantla contained a gem from Jesus, regarding His intercession.
The evening before, the Lord had shown me how when I was young, I assumed responsibilities, in my mind, for much of the family. He started with my prayers as a little child. I could tell that there was something that was not right between my mom and dad. They worked together pretty well, but I didn’t see passion, or playfulness or generosity of spirit. So as a little boy, I remembered saying the Lord’s prayer, and at the end asking God to give mom and dad a love for each other. I am not sure how long I prayed that. I didn’t really know God. I wasn’t sure that He was listening. In fact, I came to the conclusion that He wasn’t. So, I figured that the problem was with me. So, I prayed the Lord’s prayer through twice, and continued to ask at the end for Him to give my mom and dad a love for each other. After persevering for another few months, and not seeing any change, I figured that maybe I was asking for something that was too much. So I kept praying the Lord’s prayer through twice, but changed to just ask that He would keep them individually, happy, healthy, and safe.
Another topic that comes up frequently in my conversation with Him is loneliness. I am grateful for the relationship that has developed in close to 30 years of going to Him as a super spouse. He has opened a lot of doors of experience to me as a single dad, that may not have been opened to me otherwise. And as part of the super spouse role, He knew that I needed to learn to listen to Him, so He brought me in contact with a lot of people who spoke to Him regularly.
So, in my third meeting with my identity coach as part of the Catalyst program, He seemed to put His finger on a particular wound, a particular deprivation that single fathering had. (And for people who wonders if the Lord deprives people of things, read Isaiah 30:20. He does deprive, but it is in preparation to get to know Him initimately. I don’t know how it works, or if/why it is connected, but Isa 30:20 says “Although the Lord has given you bread of deprivation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher, will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will see your Teacher.” NASB)
The deprivation, sometimes referred to type A trauma (A – something is Absent), that is painful is a lack of someone to be as surprised and in awe of (beautiful) things as I was. I do remember times where my ex-wife and I were astonished at God’s goodness. “Did you see that?” “I never saw that coming.” “It is perfect. So much better than I imagined.” Isn’t she or he beautiful?” Where I am at, in the present moment, my imagination hasn’t been enlightened to where God is astonished, or in awe. So, I when I am astonished, or in awe, or just want to savor the goodness of God with someone, I just have had a hard time doing that with The Lord.
I touched on one topic briefly, but hadn’t highlighted it. Earlier when I wrote “single father”, I changed it to that from single parent. Not because single mom’s might not also feel an intense loneliness during times of celebration where there is no one to celebrate with. But single dads have some unique challenges.
When my son was very little, shortly after my wife left me, I met with an Episcopal priest at a church in my new neighborhood. He understood. He said something like “Single dads are rare in the church. And, probably because you are on the hunt.” He didn’t grasp that subtle currents of misandry in feminism will assume that if a woman leaves her husband, it is for a good reason. And, I am not going to say that she didn’t have good reasons. So did I. But I clung to hope that Jesus understood us completely, and that He had brought us together for a reason.
But, what the priest said was that social options to fend off loneliness were limited. Married men, and their wives wouldn’t want to be friends with me because, as a single dad, I had to learn more nurturing skills. The married men would be jealous, or ashamed. And they would be afraid that their wives might be attracted to a nurturing male.
Single women were either single moms or divorced women who were childless. Or they were never married. In my mid-40s, women my age could have begun a family early, and be divorced by the time that they were my age, but really, I found very few of them. Mostly, it was single moms. And, I met more than one who didn’t want a husband as much as they wanted a good father for their children. I love children. And I loved being a father. But, I also distrusted myself in terms of how desperate I was. And, until my ex-wife remarried, I was determined to wait before getting involved in a relationship, to give the Lord room to work. So, I would not get involved with single moms unless they also had a reason for distance. But, there were times that I was very attracted. I didn’t meet a lot of childless divorced women, but the ones that I met, my son (and godson) were a major considerations for me. I wanted her to be involved in their lives too.
I met one single woman who was never married. And I really respected her. She was a Jesus follower. But, putting His priorities first, she wondered if there was some way that she could help me reconcile with my ex. But, in general, single, never married women were not that interested in a single dad.
The last reason that there aren’t many single dads in the church was again not something that had been included in being “on the hunt”. But, men have to perform in a lot of areas in their lives. And thus, they often fall victim to performance based religion. A different / parallel explanation is what Brene Brown discusses in “Men, Women, and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough” She speaks about shame triggers for both men and women. She says that men only have one main shame trigger, weakness. And, I can say from personal experience, that men didn’t want me to grieve (and be weak), in the loss of my wife. Men in the church wanted me to be like the Rascal Flatts / Natasha Bedingfield song “Easy“
So the priest was right. I was pretty well isolated, socially.
So when Jesus showed me that the deprivation of companionship is awe, wonder, and celebration caused a pretty large, and deep wound, I could agree with Him. He put His hand on it for comfort, and healing. I also saw tears in His eyes, and running down His face. He knew how much it hurt. He knows the challenges of waiting and longing. And He understands the goodness of beauty, awe, wonder, and celebration, because He created them as a gift, and especially as a gift to be shared.
And then He made a scripture real to me. It was a familiar scripture, that had brought comfort and encouragement to me. It had also helped me persevere. Hebrews 7:25
“Therefore He is able also to save forever* those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them.” NASB (*some translations use “completely” instead of “forever”)
In that short vision, I realized that He was interceding for me, as He had His hand on my wound, and was crying.
Up until that point, I had a much more logical picture of how the intercession took place. Two thrones in unapproachable light, and Jesus whispering to The Father something about me. But this was much more real. It was part of His not leaving or forsaking me (Heb 13:5). It was so consistent with Jesus never holding anything back out of fear.
As I paused, pondered, and was even in the place of awe and wonder, I heard Him say “that isn’t even the half of it”.
Jesus, what do You want to say to me, or to show me, about Your intercession, and Your kingdom? Jesus, will You empower, and train me to intercede like You do too?
